What did you learn about yourself this year?
I sat down to write this post a number of days ago, to answer the questions what did I learn about myself this year? Was this surprising to me? How might this awareness alter my life and the way I move through it?
I quickly ended up with a long point form list of things I have learned. This year has been hella big on the learning front. I feel like a different person than I was a year ago - six months ago - three months ago.
There are probably six areas that brought forth the greatest lessons;
Relationships and family;
Health and wellness;
Finance;
Friendships;
Career;
Self-care, self-concept, spirituality, world-view, and passions (can this all be grouped together?).
All areas of our lives are intertwined. Like the giant microcosm of intertwined energy that beats underground in the forest, each root impacts all of the others. But, perhaps there is one that vibrates across the entire ecosystem a bit more than the others.
Self-care, Self-concept, Spirituality, World-view, Meditation, and Passions
It became evident about half way through the year that this part of my life had been heavily neglected. And heavily is an understatement. Each day bled into the next, one hour to the next, never delineated by plans of passion or self-care rituals. Even my spirituality, meditations, world-view, and self-talk had taken a back burner by what can easily be summed up as burnout (add in an ADHD diagnosis in June and ADHD burnout can be added in there). It felt like I was holding a glass vase full of water, filling it with rocks upon rocks upon rocks, with no support on the bottom. Water was spilling everywhere and eventually the vase exploded as the bottom gave out. It took weeks for me to begin to feel like myself again. I hadn’t realized how far gone I was at the time, unfortunately, but it’s something I’ll never allow to happen again.
The events leading up to this realization surprised me, and yes, I was surprised by how burnt out I was. Purely measured by looking back at how long and hard I had to work to dig myself out. This awareness has completely shifted my life and how I now live.
Self-care. This is number one each day. I had previously tried to put everyone and everything else first (unsuccessfully). The thing is, when we aren’t taking care of ourselves, we can’t truly take care of others in the ways we need, nor in the ways we really want to. What does self-care look like for me these days? Daily runs and walks, a solid work-out routine, journalling (I have filled four journals since July), sleep (7-8 hours per night), 2-3L of water per day, daily meditation, dancing and yoga (yes, I have a dance app and dance 35 mins per day - try it, and try not to laugh while doing it!), preparing healthy meals, and staying in close contact with friends. When I feel tired, I rest. When I am hungry, I eat. When I am feeling low, I bring myself outside. I have maintained cold dips in the ocean throughout the past year, and have finally dove back into writing (and reading).
Self-concept. I started EMDR (Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) in July. While I maintained two sessions per week for a good month or two, I have stuck with weekly visits since. This changed my life. My whole self-concept has altered, which has impacted every other area of my life. Self-concept is our knowledge and awareness of who we are and what conspires to make us who we are (physical, emotional, social, spiritual self, etc.). To dive into this wholly here may make this post too long, so perhaps I’ll save it for another. In sum, I learned that the root of my self-concept previously lived in a place of feeling unworthy. I have spent every day since reframing that to a self-concept of worthiness. Deserving. Valuable. Loveable. Worthy.
Spirituality. Raised with a Buddhist counsellor, there are many things I learned as a six-year-old that are so engrained in me that it’s difficult (if not impossible) to know what was learned, what was innate, what was a chosen belief, etc. Much of it exists as a knowing and belief that I cannot shake or question. Regardless, it became obvious that active spirituality had become something I had let fall to the wayside. It became important to me to reintegrate it back into my life. For me, having that central core of belief is incredibly important as a foundation for absolutely everything in my life and it became clear why I felt I was floundering without it.
World-view. This is two-fold. World-view and self-talk. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but had become quite negative about things going on in the world and in life. My internal voice and the subsequent stories were negatively impacting me and much in my life, and I had blinders on to it. It wasn’t until I stood here staring at my life, disassembled, that I recognized the best visionaries and builders have a positive outlook and vision about what they have, and what they are building in the short and long term. I knew the only way forward was with gratitude and positivity and have held fiercely to that.
Passions. This is something I focus on every day now. Running. Writing. Reading. Walking. Listening to music. Dreaming of screenplays and poems and immersing myself in holiday rom-coms and creative projects. Hiking, spending time by the ocean, in the trees, and adventuring any chance I get. These things fill my soul and are now prioritized. Engaging in our passions can probably be grouped with self-care, no?
There feels like so much more I could add here. Self-awareness, ego, forgiveness, health and wellness, compassion, empathy, friends, habits, patterns - the list could go on and on. Ultimately, all of the lessons I have learned about myself this year have fortunately made me softer, not harder, and for that I am grateful.
